Nothing could have ever prepared me for all of the pain and fear that I am currently feeling. Maybe talking about it will help and will also give me a place to look back on, as I never ever want to forget you.
Growing up, you always made sure that I was so happy and had everything I could have ever needed and way more. You taught me how to love endlessly and to care for others with a full heart. You taught me to be strong through the hardest of times, but nothing has ever felt as hard as this. Hearing the phone call from my aunt and mom as I was on my way home to you, never feeling that anything was wrong, was the second that I knew you were ready to fly. Making sure not to stay at my boyfriend’s too late, I made sure to come home at a reasonable time, hoping that you’d be proud yet again that I wasn’t out too late. But I was too late.
As I came closer and closer to the house, I saw the lights that were all too familiar. Red and blue danced around the dark night and I could feel my stomach literally drop. I raced in the driveway and parked and ran as fast as I could to you. The only thing that I saw at the end of the hallway, in front of your bedroom door and my bedroom door was a flock of paramedics. I tried my best to shove through them and get to you, hoping that once I was back to you, you’d be okay again. It took three men to hold me back, as the adrenaline was pumping in and hard. They told me I had to stay back and that I couldn’t see you and I’m wishing that I would’ve listened. As I jumped and leaped and tried to see you, my heart shattered into a million pieces at what I caught a glimpse of. They were pumping your heart and trying to bring you back. I could tell right then and there that you weren’t inside and what scared me most was that you laid there, limp and unresponsive.
All I remember was that my phone was constantly going off, but the only person I wanted to talk to was you. I paced the house for what felt like hours but was only a matter of a few minutes. I kept looking out the windows, just waiting for what was to happen next and all I saw were 6 sheriff cars, 3 fire trucks, and an ambulance right out front. As you have scared us a few times before, I felt that you were going to miraculously recover and be back to us in no time. This was so sudden and we had no idea that anything had gone wrong. Mom thought you were in there sleeping. When she went and checked on you, she found you there with no pulse. Why couldn’t you have told us? Why couldn’t you have given us a sign?
As the paramedics told us which hospital you were going to, I watched them push you out on that hideous bed that I know you’ve always hated. They were still going to town on your beautiful chest, the one that I have rested my head on ever since I was born. All I could do was scream and try to get to you, but to no avail, as I was pushed back yet again. I made sure to watch them put you in the ambulance, making sure that they were being gentle with the most precious thing I have ever had. Raced to the hospital with the rest of our huge family and made sure I was the first one to hear what the Doctor had to say. I’ll never forget the words that he told me and the confusion that I did and will forever feel. You were fine yesterday morning and afternoon. What happened?
As we got to stand next to you while you laid there so still and beautiful, I told you the words that I have always felt towards you. I held your hand as you would’ve held mine and begged for you to not leave, but you were already gone. I bent down to give you kisses on your forehead and could feel my chest open and felt relieved.
Since your stroke that was three years ago, I knew that you were so upset and hurt by what it had left you. Paralyzed on your left (dominant) side and with little-no ability to walk, I now understand the pain and hell that you went through. As you are such a strong Christian, I know that you had no fear of what was to come. I know that you were ready and excited to be free. I also know that you will be looking down on me for the rest of my life and I can’t wait to make you the proudest man in heaven.
I can’t really explain all of the emotions I’ve had in the last 24 hours.
Anger- Why couldn’t you have said goodbye?
Hurt- You have always been my rock.
Guilt- For all of the things I’ve said and done wrong.
Fear- How are mom and I supposed to survive in this house without you?
Relief- You can finally walk again Grandpa.
Your room is right across the hall from mine and I feel that is a place I will be spending a lot of time in. You always did love when I would come in there and entertain you with stupid jokes and new news. You and I shared every single detail of our lives together and I am truly grateful to have had the honor to spend 19 years of my life with you, almost every single day seeing your face. I know that I made you the happiest and you made me the happiest. We have always been buddies and that will never change, so get ready Grandpa. I am going to talk to you more than ever because I will have you in every aspect and piece of my life. Please enjoy your time up there, as you have the rest of eternity. But also please watch down on me and hold my hand, as I have and will always need you. You are my number #1 man and no one in this entire world can compare to you. Thank you for everything.
Your little Girl.